20240101
Many years I have seen myself closer to the silly pessimism of the New Year No Me quip. What can be said of a first of January where I actually resonate with a New Year New Me? In short, maybe that I am (godforbid) become an optimist. In long maybe the following.
I don’t believe in new years but who would I be if I didn’t believe in a resolution. Damned if we do damned if we don’t; double damned if we don’t try at all. I grew up shy and with bloody noses. Now I’m overly forward and overly optimistic and let my mouth run off.
Not in a beautiful way as some of us might: lest we forget our poets, who still—in the twenty-first century—live in a splendor compared to the rest of us. Dimitrov of both twitter and actual poetry accolades hollow a space out for my feelings today more than music in the car and more than conquering yet another hangover with the fantasy of bagels that never arrived and sheer willpower.
If there was any question before: no, I cannot be stopped.
THE YEARS
BY ALEX DIMITROV
ALL THE PARTIES YOU SPENT
WATCHING THE ROOM
FROM A BALCONY
WHERE SOMEONE JOINED YOU
TO SMOKE THEN RETURNED.
AND HOW IT TURNS OUT NO ONE
HAD THE CHILDHOOD THEY WANTED,
AND HOW THEY’D TELL YOU THIS
A LITTLE DRUNK, A LITTLE SLANT
IN LESS TIME THAN IT TOOK
TO FINISH A CIGARETTE
BECAUSE SAD THINGS
CAN’T BE EXPLAINED.
BEHIND THE GLASS AND INSIDE,
ALL YOUR FRIENDS BUZZED.
YOU COULD FEEL THE SHAPE
OF THEIR VOICES. YOU COULD
TELL FROM THEIR EYES THEY WERE
IN SOME OTHER PLACE. 1999
OR 2008 OR LAST JUNE.
OF COURSE, IT’S IMPORTANT
TO GO TO PARTIES. TO MAKE
LIFE A DRESS OR A DRINK
OR SUEDE SHOES SOMEONE WEARS
IN THE RAIN. ON THE WAY HOME,
IN THE CAR BACK, THE NIGHT SKY
PLAYED ITS OLD TRICKS. THE STARS
ARRANGED THEMSELVES QUIETLY.
THE PERSON YOU THOUGHT OF DROVE
UNDER THEM. AWAY FROM THE PARTY,
(JUST LIKE YOU) INTO THE YEARS.
BY ALEX DIMITROV
ALL THE PARTIES YOU SPENT
WATCHING THE ROOM
FROM A BALCONY
WHERE SOMEONE JOINED YOU
TO SMOKE THEN RETURNED.
AND HOW IT TURNS OUT NO ONE
HAD THE CHILDHOOD THEY WANTED,
AND HOW THEY’D TELL YOU THIS
A LITTLE DRUNK, A LITTLE SLANT
IN LESS TIME THAN IT TOOK
TO FINISH A CIGARETTE
BECAUSE SAD THINGS
CAN’T BE EXPLAINED.
BEHIND THE GLASS AND INSIDE,
ALL YOUR FRIENDS BUZZED.
YOU COULD FEEL THE SHAPE
OF THEIR VOICES. YOU COULD
TELL FROM THEIR EYES THEY WERE
IN SOME OTHER PLACE. 1999
OR 2008 OR LAST JUNE.
OF COURSE, IT’S IMPORTANT
TO GO TO PARTIES. TO MAKE
LIFE A DRESS OR A DRINK
OR SUEDE SHOES SOMEONE WEARS
IN THE RAIN. ON THE WAY HOME,
IN THE CAR BACK, THE NIGHT SKY
PLAYED ITS OLD TRICKS. THE STARS
ARRANGED THEMSELVES QUIETLY.
THE PERSON YOU THOUGHT OF DROVE
UNDER THEM. AWAY FROM THE PARTY,
(JUST LIKE YOU) INTO THE YEARS.
If only we could all be poets. I guess I abandoned that dream a lifetime ago now. Now I question the ends behind my boundless ambitions and exciting, so-called and self-assigned meaning. Now I question what I would like to spend my time doing and how I should go about doing it.
To further the resemblance to a 2000’s era Connecticut-based sitcom my life has already almost-accidentally accrued, I have piqued my own interest in a diner. It will be called Gallery diner and the youth of my small town will refer to it only as Gal’s. Apologies if you’ve already heard this bit from me before—I cannot shut up about it and now you know how living in my mind feels like a never ending record.
To further the resemblance to a 2000’s era Connecticut-based sitcom my life has already almost-accidentally accrued, I have piqued my own interest in a diner. It will be called Gallery diner and the youth of my small town will refer to it only as Gal’s. Apologies if you’ve already heard this bit from me before—I cannot shut up about it and now you know how living in my mind feels like a never ending record.
We will be open at 7 AM for the old folks seeking cheap breakfast socialization and we will be open until 7 PM. We are not a date spot but we will make your dinner after work. I will set up Lolo’s vintage speakers and play albums like
ELVIS - BLUE HAWAII
ALLEN GINSBERG - HOWL
JANET JACKSON - THE VELVET ROPE
ANYTHING WITH NICO, ETC.
ALLEN GINSBERG - HOWL
JANET JACKSON - THE VELVET ROPE
ANYTHING WITH NICO, ETC.
all day long. I will set up my studio in the back and work from diner closing time until my eyes grow unbearably heavy. I imagine diner work is tiring.
In 2024 I am still having nosebleeds and standing in them too.
How much are you allowed to be an open book and how much are you allowed to maintain your anonymity. (Note here how funny its natural for one-through writing- to assume ownership over such a thing).
Along with my privacy, and along with my diner, I have thought to myself about home, and what that concept means to me, and how important it is to me. As I have thought about what that home might feel like and look like, I have also become quite enamored (not to my surprise, given our history together) with its bathroom. I find myself returning to visual information offered by Elies Van Renterghem
Stuck in the Bathroom (2013)
In 2024 I am still having nosebleeds and standing in them too.
How much are you allowed to be an open book and how much are you allowed to maintain your anonymity. (Note here how funny its natural for one-through writing- to assume ownership over such a thing).
Along with my privacy, and along with my diner, I have thought to myself about home, and what that concept means to me, and how important it is to me. As I have thought about what that home might feel like and look like, I have also become quite enamored (not to my surprise, given our history together) with its bathroom. I find myself returning to visual information offered by Elies Van Renterghem
and, like every other shameless dreamer of the current day and age, pinterest (
At the place I currently call home, Francey bestows wisdom on me. Apex of which, is how everyone is just always changing. More often, and faster than we chose to believe. I have always thought of myself and the process of change to be codependent on season and summer, and saw myself a cicada shedding its skin. What I have received from her is faster than a cicada, and more akin to the philosophical question concerning the ship which all its parts slowly exchanged for new ones.
Her advice beckons me. Not to ask--is it the same boat? As a philosophy student might be told to. No, it beckons me to ask: ARE YOU HAPPY WITH THE BOAT YOU ARE BECOME?
and, maybe even: HAVE YOU BEEN IN THESE WATERS BEFORE?
I pray for respite that I do not repeat the mistakes I have already repeated. I pay tolls. I am striving to enjoy myself in ways I have encumbered in years past. Not without focus, confusion, nor surrender many recent days I have felt as though I have spanned many emotional miles to rediscover some joie de vivre of youth. Pigmented air, obliviousness, a taste for fattening foods, golden rod, jeans + hoodie combos.
Dear little Lu: turns out that dream you wanted has already came true, you are a punk rock star. You’ve been one this whole time. (Hopefully here, this line is breaking the little serious academic voice I write in. Really, just last night I was sitting on a rail on the roof of Trina, Ainé, and Meghana’s bushwick apartment swinging my legs next to Leo (doing the same) and both of us were just being a peanut gallery and yelling (unless you were enjoying the serious contemplative Lu in which case yes, officer I have been here all night)).
Dear little Lu: turns out that dream you wanted has already came true, you are a punk rock star. You’ve been one this whole time. (Hopefully here, this line is breaking the little serious academic voice I write in. Really, just last night I was sitting on a rail on the roof of Trina, Ainé, and Meghana’s bushwick apartment swinging my legs next to Leo (doing the same) and both of us were just being a peanut gallery and yelling (unless you were enjoying the serious contemplative Lu in which case yes, officer I have been here all night)).
I’m sure now the only way to end this miscellaneous and scattered train of thought, as is only natural in January, is obeying generation-Z fashion, with the ubiquitous medium of an IN/OUT list. I’ll do my dammdest
IN
small matcha lattes (extra points if it’s a cardiac killer dirty matcha)
email chains
people answering my emails
paystubs
finding a new sport
surfing every weekend of the spring and summer
*the trip*
sewing
obscure fabrics e.g.
walking to work
swimming in the cold
making music
invoices
Bonnie Tyler Holding out For a Hero
the bar, alone
egg bagel (again)
DJing a theta chi and then a club
darling effect
sofia dirado accepts the follower request from my new account
photos of vermonters
planning impulsivity & impulsive planning
OUT
bad latte art (my own)
over production
hinge
bereal (as of today)
any vice that costs over $8
lack of a water bottle
new york
grant rejections
spotify playlists 😔
bathing suits.... swim in clothes now
my bottle of stolen casamigos
synthetic oil change
boring art gallery
winnower on
Like I said. New year, new me.